The past couple of days have been quite kak. I have hit another depression. I am not sure where it is coming from. Part of me thinks that it stems from the email from Mr B. We have been sharing erotic emails with each other and one night last week he called me and sort of told me about his gwans with medem and the pending divorce. It was the first time he opened up to me about it. Then the emails switched to the situation of him and I...Out of the blue he says in the email that to understand him better, i should marry him. I told him that he shouldnt be saying things like that because i could misinterpret that and think he is proposing to me and that he should take care of himself. He said that he has to take care of himself because he is waiting for me to come home from SA to marry him. I said i'd marry him without thinking twice about it but he needs to sort out his gwans. Then he said that he said that it is nice to hear that i would marry him without thinking twice. I wasnt comfortable with the direction our conversation was going and told him that we should revert back to the erotic emails and sent him an email telling him about an erotic dream i had of him. He replies by just saying that i should have a good day. WTF??? i told him pretty much that: that how can he justgive me a one line response to my email about the dream. He obviously didnt read the email...
It pisses me off because ihate the fact that he's giving me mixed signals...I really like him and want him but i am not sure if i can afford this yo-yo'ing of my emotions!!
I havent heard from him since Friday.
I think i should say my good byes but this time i need to tell him how i feel about all of it and give him my reasons. He can do with whatever he wants. He had told me that he wont give up on me that easily...Well, fuck that! I think he is being selfish!!!
Another reason for my depression is that i spoke to my sister about Mr B's proposal and she asked me whether that's what i want:a relationship. And i said to her yes i want a relationship. I want a Mr B in my life and that it doesnt necessarily mean it has to be this particular Mr B, but just the idea of him. She says to me that she doesnt think i am ready. WTF does she mean?? I said to her that i dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. And that's true. I dont want to end up alone just because i havent found the right guy. I wonder if that's why i ended up with my terrible track record with affairs with taken men. Am i willing to settle for just anything because i dont want to be alone? I told her that i dont want to think about all of this now and that i have sort of compartmentalised that as well in the "deal with it later" compartment. That is not healthy, i know that!! Somehow, i left that lunch with her feeling that she spoke to me in a condescending manner and got very pissed off about that. That and the fact that her man is proving more and more to be a wuss...she must deal with her man and just leave me alone. it was one of those days again that i came to bed seriously regretting meeting my siblings.
I couldnt deal with that and got terrible drunk on my own that night...
The other reason for my depression is the slowly approaching end of the year. I am not getting anywhere with my studies. I dont think i will make it and the thought of it is driving me nuts!!! I failed tectonics and geophysics. That means that i need to have an average of 65% for the year. That's including my project. I can easily kick ass with my project if i spent more time on it or at least understood what i was doing...I dont have the support that i need and sort feel like just giving up!!!So far this semester, i have messed up an important module (hydrogeology)...Geomodelling can bring my average up a bit...the next two modules will mess it all up again...urghhhhhhh!!!!!! Why have i done this to myself???why did i come study this stupid thing!!! Two reasons stand out:i wanted to get out of that town and i wanted to prove to those fuckers that i too can do an honors! again, trying to please people this time to the detriment of my sanity!!!
I need to get away from all of this!
Yes, run away again!
I am not that strong!
I am alone in this world with nobody there to fall back on!!!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
When will it be my turn to be happy?!?!
All i am asking for is a little happiness and love...unconditional love!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Post my 30th birthday...
OK, so where was I? I dont even remember so i will retrace to my birthday...
I was feeling down and found my self in a pretty deep, dark hole. So i phoned my girl in the Bay and she somma decided that she would buy me a ticket back home so that i don't have to be alone on my birthday! Gosh, i was so excited because really,the thought of having to spend my birthday here would have driven me completely over the edge!I would have OD'd on my Rescue Remedy!!! The other option was to go spend the weekend with Mnr Insecure and fam which still would have meant that on that Wednesday i would still be alone and still not have been able to break it down with my sister the way we want to volgens the shadow would either have tagged along or would have been quite bitter because we would have gone completely overboard again!
Anywho, so that morning, i skipped class and was at the airport bright and early at 8am! I somma even woke up feeling very happy with myself and ready to face the world! Arrived in the bay at about lunch time and hooked up with my girl, V, whom i haven't seen in ages! I just knew that greater things were to come...we went out that night and had a great time! Got home at 6 am! It was really a great night-we ended it by inviting mary jane to join us outside a club in the Bay...I struggled to get up on the Thursday, though...It's been a while!
Of course in the mean time, Mr B and I are constantly on the phone and i realise more and more that i am in love with him. This is bad!!! Very Bad!!! I am not even sure there is a turning back from here onwards. I suppose the only good thing is that i am not home and that when i am here, i can keep my self busy with other things other than trying to run up my emotions...and my phone bill!!!
Anyway, the Friday, i went to WHK, quite excited because i thought i would see Mr B since we texting each other all the time that i was on the road to whk...Sham, not a chance...I didn't see him, his phone just rang and i am like "here we go again"....weird enough is that i didn't feel anything about it, you know? like i wasnt angry or anything, i just let it be. I went to check out my girl's house in Kleine Kuppe and ended up sleeping there (too tired to drive back)...
Saturday, i went shopping with my sister and we sat for pizza. It is such a huge trip seeing my sister all grown up like this! Anywho, my brothers and sister decided to have a braai for me, so i went home .I must admit that at this point i was starting to have tiny anxiety attacks because i hadn't started working on the 10 page hydrogeology essay that was due on Monday. But, that afternoon, my familia (and i mean, all of them! even the once i hadn't seen in a long time)came over and we had a fab braai. That is until Grizzly Bear came to make her appearance! I don't like what my brother has been reduced to and got very emotional! My god,i was crying like someone had died! Then it hit me that i am once again way too involved in these people's lives! He made his bed, so he should lie in it, right? but it breaks my heart to see how unhappy he is. Or maybe he is happy with the set up...i don't know.
I have made a decision to leave it...let them sort it out on their own. He married her, didn't he?
We drank till the sun came up and i went to the airport still drinking. At some point, i think at around 5am, i decided to send Mr B an sms wishing him luck with his life and that he should leave me alone and basically thanking him for taking me for one big box...The kak is that i also told him that i have fallen for him!! what a way to own up to my own feelings-by sending a drunken sms to him!
As i was about to board the plane, he called me giving me some excuse that i wasn't ready to listen to right at that moment. I called him when i came here but then he started skieting, so i left it at that and passed out. 2 days later, he called and we had an intense conversation...I know he feels me...
last week i found myself getting involve in another siblings life. And for the second time in a very long time, i thought to myself that i regret getting to know my dad's children...i don't know what it is all i know is that i need to distance myself from them. It will be very difficult because i love them very much but i want to be on my own...far away where i don't know anyone...maybe i should immigrate for a while..I don't want to hear about their lives, jack-fokkol. It is draining me...
which brings me to my decision to go on a holiday...on my own...I want to travel to Europe, US and to the Caribbean islands...for at least 3 weeks...If i had the money, i would have booked my ticket now already...But toe maar, it will happen...soon!
Mr B proposed to me today...I told him to stop taking gat of me but he said that he is serious...well, i can now at least say I've had 4 marriage proposals in my life and then wonder why i am still alone? that is the million $ question...why cant men commit to me? or is it me?what? what? what? if i am good enough to be proposed to, why can it not happen....that's where my numerology report comes in: my report says that i become very good friends with my lovers and then they leave because they think all i can offer them is friendship...the report goes even further and says that i should become a nun...WHAT????I like thingssssssssss!
i will stop here...i am getting too depressed
I was feeling down and found my self in a pretty deep, dark hole. So i phoned my girl in the Bay and she somma decided that she would buy me a ticket back home so that i don't have to be alone on my birthday! Gosh, i was so excited because really,the thought of having to spend my birthday here would have driven me completely over the edge!I would have OD'd on my Rescue Remedy!!! The other option was to go spend the weekend with Mnr Insecure and fam which still would have meant that on that Wednesday i would still be alone and still not have been able to break it down with my sister the way we want to volgens the shadow would either have tagged along or would have been quite bitter because we would have gone completely overboard again!
Anywho, so that morning, i skipped class and was at the airport bright and early at 8am! I somma even woke up feeling very happy with myself and ready to face the world! Arrived in the bay at about lunch time and hooked up with my girl, V, whom i haven't seen in ages! I just knew that greater things were to come...we went out that night and had a great time! Got home at 6 am! It was really a great night-we ended it by inviting mary jane to join us outside a club in the Bay...I struggled to get up on the Thursday, though...It's been a while!
Of course in the mean time, Mr B and I are constantly on the phone and i realise more and more that i am in love with him. This is bad!!! Very Bad!!! I am not even sure there is a turning back from here onwards. I suppose the only good thing is that i am not home and that when i am here, i can keep my self busy with other things other than trying to run up my emotions...and my phone bill!!!
Anyway, the Friday, i went to WHK, quite excited because i thought i would see Mr B since we texting each other all the time that i was on the road to whk...Sham, not a chance...I didn't see him, his phone just rang and i am like "here we go again"....weird enough is that i didn't feel anything about it, you know? like i wasnt angry or anything, i just let it be. I went to check out my girl's house in Kleine Kuppe and ended up sleeping there (too tired to drive back)...
Saturday, i went shopping with my sister and we sat for pizza. It is such a huge trip seeing my sister all grown up like this! Anywho, my brothers and sister decided to have a braai for me, so i went home .I must admit that at this point i was starting to have tiny anxiety attacks because i hadn't started working on the 10 page hydrogeology essay that was due on Monday. But, that afternoon, my familia (and i mean, all of them! even the once i hadn't seen in a long time)came over and we had a fab braai. That is until Grizzly Bear came to make her appearance! I don't like what my brother has been reduced to and got very emotional! My god,i was crying like someone had died! Then it hit me that i am once again way too involved in these people's lives! He made his bed, so he should lie in it, right? but it breaks my heart to see how unhappy he is. Or maybe he is happy with the set up...i don't know.
I have made a decision to leave it...let them sort it out on their own. He married her, didn't he?
We drank till the sun came up and i went to the airport still drinking. At some point, i think at around 5am, i decided to send Mr B an sms wishing him luck with his life and that he should leave me alone and basically thanking him for taking me for one big box...The kak is that i also told him that i have fallen for him!! what a way to own up to my own feelings-by sending a drunken sms to him!
As i was about to board the plane, he called me giving me some excuse that i wasn't ready to listen to right at that moment. I called him when i came here but then he started skieting, so i left it at that and passed out. 2 days later, he called and we had an intense conversation...I know he feels me...
last week i found myself getting involve in another siblings life. And for the second time in a very long time, i thought to myself that i regret getting to know my dad's children...i don't know what it is all i know is that i need to distance myself from them. It will be very difficult because i love them very much but i want to be on my own...far away where i don't know anyone...maybe i should immigrate for a while..I don't want to hear about their lives, jack-fokkol. It is draining me...
which brings me to my decision to go on a holiday...on my own...I want to travel to Europe, US and to the Caribbean islands...for at least 3 weeks...If i had the money, i would have booked my ticket now already...But toe maar, it will happen...soon!
Mr B proposed to me today...I told him to stop taking gat of me but he said that he is serious...well, i can now at least say I've had 4 marriage proposals in my life and then wonder why i am still alone? that is the million $ question...why cant men commit to me? or is it me?what? what? what? if i am good enough to be proposed to, why can it not happen....that's where my numerology report comes in: my report says that i become very good friends with my lovers and then they leave because they think all i can offer them is friendship...the report goes even further and says that i should become a nun...WHAT????I like thingssssssssss!
i will stop here...i am getting too depressed
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