The weekend...betrayals and all else...

So, i am done with the exams...it's over and i dont really want to talk about except for the fact that the GIS paper rocked as well. it's confirmed: i am NOT a geologist!

anyway, i am so broke and completely freaked out about because i have to rely on other people again!What is it with my "friends"?Apparently my cousin gave some money to my friend deposit it in my account on Friday because i need it for tomorrow's excursion...The money never found its way to me...why? because my friend though that he needed the money more than i did...See, he needed to drink and my need was pushed to the bottom of the list...It hurts so much...Oriah mountain Dreamer said something about the reason why betrayal from a friend of loved one hurts so much is because you have learnt to trust that person...with a lot of things...and when you cant trust your friends, who are you suppose to rely on? In my case, it will have to be my sister...I love her with all my heart and, yes, she has hurt me in her own way in the past but it's ok...i understand-just like i usually do...I always understand....

Well i am sick of understanding...when will it be my turn? When will i have to be seen as "she is being her...it's expected of her to react this way because it's her Character"? i dont know if i am making sense right now...but i wish people could see how much they hurt me...that i am not that strong person that they are jealous of and constantly want to hurt...I keep on thinking it's my fault...my sister said to me the other day that i live a different life to my friends and so when they hurt me, I act all surprise?At first i was thinking "what the fuck does she mean?"...to a certain extend i am still wondering about that...but more importantly, i am starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, there is some truth to it...am I living a lie to my friends? Why do they all think that i can handle the kak they are throwing my way? Let's start with Grace...What in her right mind besiel'd her to go there...did she really think i would not mind her blabbing my business to those very people i dont give a shit about? Did i, at any point in my life since knowing her, give her the impression that it will be ok for my stories to be known by every one? Did the fact that i was being so open to her and being so honest with her give her the impression that i wouldnt mind if she spread the word about me? What? Or did she intentionally wanted to hurt...Did she think i would just laugh it off and say "oh hey, let's have another vodka?"...do i really appear to be that shallow?....that never minded?

Phillip????Even him?Not deposit the money for me because you felt you wanted to go and get drunk instead? I wouldnt mind? What the fuck is all this about????

I cant take this anymore! I feel terrible because i took out my annoyance on my nephew today...but he is also to much that child!I would have "rescue-remedied" his ass if i had it on me! Let's not even talk about it his friend!

I need to get out of here...out of this space! now i am going on this god-forsaken trip for 2 weeks with these kids and i dont even have my mary jane...I am UPSETTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Why cant things ever work themselves out for me?I really can not take this anymore! i am tired! I am tired! i am tired of this bullshit!

Almost done...

Another 11 hours and i'll be finished with the exams...cant wait! I will be dropping it like it's hot in the Ivory Room tomorrow night!So looking forward to that!My brain needs to rest for a bit! My head wants to explode! I have a splitting head-ache and am just exhausted!Right now it feels like my brain will undergo thermal subsidence, at any point now, due to tensional stresses! yes, tectonics cant leave me alone!Gosh,i so badly wanted to do good in that exam...if we wrote an exam on the principles of tectonics, i am pretty sure i would have aced it! but nou ja, such is life...wha' ka' we do?

Next week i am going on a stupid mine tour that will last for about 2 weeks...a complete waste of my time, if you ask me! Which reminds me that i will have to be working on my presentation sometime this weekend!

This is too much...but i am driven by the end result! This better be worth it!

later! I need to catch some Zzz's before the exam! Here's wishing myself luck!

Breathe...

I just finished writing Mineral Economics. It was a good paper! For once since i started writing exams, i answered all the questions very confidently! Hopefully this paper will bring my average up a little!

Anyway, i spoke to Tamali last night...seems like i will be seeing him! I told him to go on a high carb/protein diet because he needs to be able to keep up with my appetite! i have a lot of pent up energy that needs to be released. He should also not think that he will be doing any sight seeing or partying-he can do that next weekend-because he has a lot of work to do:-)Shame, i hope i didnt scare him away!

I am so exhausted! stayed up untill late trying to concetrate on my notes but spent most of the time day-dreaming! BUt i am happy with the paper, regardless!

later! I want to sleep for a bit before tackling GIS...

My sad history with men...

I have not heard from Tamali,so i guess i wont be seeing him...does everything have to be so tough! I mean why cant i just find a guy who will meet my criteria???i know that sounds harsh but i want my "high school loves" back!!! and with that i dont mean getting my high school boyfriend back (he is soooooo married with twins etc!) but that time in my life was great...love was so effortless and came naturally! Then i grew up and realised that you have to do so much work! then when you do, shit gets too hectic and you are not appreciated! Take my relationship with that idiot (let's call him Monster cos that's what he became) for example. He completely swept me off my feet in my first year...then within 6 months i got too involved! he liked it and just didnt appreciate it anymore...I should have left then already! But noooooooooo...Medem thought she was in love and that she has finally found The One! just to be confronted by one challenge after the next! First, he has a son with this hectic cow. She made sure my life with him was unbearable and i grinned and beared it! Of course he expected me to bear it because "you are from a similar background"! and i sort of justified it by saying that of course i am from the same background (siblings from same father but different mommies) but my goodness, my mothers never bitched with each other! But, wait for it, i found out that he is married! this after 3 years of being with him! I was very innocently clearing out the study, just to come across a prenup between the baby-mama and him! Upon confrontation,he got so angry and asked me why the hell i am going through his things! I should have left then...but nooooooooooooo....I was in love and thought he's The One! Then he started beating me! Of course, at first, i thought nothing of it because just a shove but the day he beat almost to a pulp and smashed my head with a 12kg dumbell, i knew i had to leave! I was going through the "Boiled frog syndrom"...at that point i had allowed him to control every thing in my life! Most importantly, he had control over my finances! In the mean time i had miscarried 3 times ( i still believe that that was by God's Grace! I know that sounds terrible but i know know God loves me and that He didnt want that man to be part of my life!).So i, very painfully, endured 3 more months of that kak and upon graduation took my kadundu and ran home were i was in a secure environment! His world "fell apart" because this "village girl" that he was trying to panel beat into his ideal, subservient wife left him! In fact, i think he's words were somewhere in the line of " I am embarassed! So embarassed! what will my friends say"! can you imagine! the same friends who all knew that he was married! As a matter of fact, one of them (who was at the house every weekend! in fact we spent a weekend with his wife and him) was involved in every step of the Lobola negotiations for the baby-mama! His mother starts calling me and telling me that i should take her son back because he is busy losing his mind! Let's just talk about that! Which woman, in her right mind, will tolerate and allow her son to treat another womans child the way her son treated me!She knew that he was married! When i asked her she said that they dont want the baby-mama in their family and that i am the one they want! I just laughed and hung up on her! That's all i could do, short of swearing at her!

That was the Monster...After him, i guess i was on a hectic rebound and needed to feel secure/safe, but what it was led me straight in the arms of the Poet... Very sweet and gentle guy...he wrote poems for me...loved the nature, the works!...and fine as hell! But guess what? He had 4 children and...wait for it...MARRIED as well! I felt like i was being punished for something! I mean what the hell were the chances of me jumping from one kak hole to the next???I endured him for about a year and told him to bounce! He freaked me out a little...He's an ex-cop and had this very suspicious nature about him that made me very uncomfortable because i still believe that his suspicions could have been a precursor for potential violence!

Then I decided to leave this man rubbish for a while! Or rather...if there was a man game to be played, i decided to do it on my own terms...like back in the day, when i still had control over my life! and boy, did i have fun! the funny thing about it was that i got involved with younger guys and i met the Boy-Wonder...It was fun in the beginning but got a bit sketchy and confusing towards the end...But he's my boy, though...we both realised that we are better off as friends and i regard him as one of my best friends today.

I wont even talk about the other one ( a result of my rebound from my friend-lover-best friend experience)...

Then i took a break (a hiatus in geological terms!)...I met Tamali under the most intriguing circumstances...too beautiful a story(in my view, anyway).This guy popped up 4 times in my life over a period of 3 months but something always stopped us from talking to each other. I didnt even know his name but funny enough, on the last day in the town we met, i found out that he was working at the mine i was seconded to! I immediately asked my assistant (she's become such a great friend of mine!) about him and she told me that, if we are talking about the same guy ( i described him to her and mentioned that he has the most beautiful eyes and smile) then she thinks that it's the same guy who has been bugging her about me since i arrived on the mine! What the fuck were the chances! I had to meet him! So i did something completely outof character! I (illegaly) found out his name and surname! Unfortunately the information also came with his date of birth! His age completely burst my little bubble and i left the mine without making an efford to get hold of him! That and the fact that I have never done the "Hi, remember me?" phone calls before in my life! Then the weirdest thing happened 3 months later: I went home on my annual leave...on the second day of my leave, a friend invited me for a drink and she picked me up. However, after she picked me up at our house, we made a brief stop at a house down the street from my house...and there he was again! I was "like noo! this cant be happening! I have to meet this guy" but because i was such a coward, i didnt get out of the car! The next day, i met another friend for lunch at Spur and...there he was again! Sham! We, again, didnt say anything to each other...just some hectic eye-contact and when he left, he passed by our table and said hi! Like a fool, i just mumbled a hi and he left...When i got back to my place, at the end of my leave, a friend from the town he's from, called me up to asked me whether i dont want to go visit her and i told her that i am never returning to that town since there is a guy in that town that i am obviously NEVER suppose to meet! she asked me about it and i told her the whole story and he said she will search for him and get me his numbers! Within an hour she send me a sms with 2 numbers...I saved one number on my phone and told her that when i have the courage (probably after i mary jane!) i will call him! I didnt have to because that night she went out, ran into him and gave him my number! so 3 months later, after having quite a hard time to get hold of my number, he calls me up at 1h30 am! We have been on the phone since then but i had to come here this year so, again, something came up and we never met! Now isnt that crazy?!We eventually met in March this year and it was great! I spent a weekend with him...but he is a challenge!He is so young but what's great about him is that i like the way he makes me feel...hearing his voice lifts my spirit somehow;he makes me laugh and for some weird reason i dont feel the need to impress him like i do when i meet guys my age..! May i should listen to what the Universe is telling me! Only young guys have been popping up in my life, and since this is a year of New Beginnings, I should just let it go and let it flow...Let go of my inhibitions and JUST DO IT! Damn!

Ironically, I am listening to Milli Vanilli's (remember them!!!) "i'm gonna miss u"! I think it's a sign to say goodbye to him...or maybe not...he still intrigues me so much!I am meeting up with him in 3 weeks again...this time on my turf...my place...we'll see how that goes...

Later!

It's really going slow...
Wrote Tectonics today...thought i had it canned...got home just to realise that i had 2 orogenies confused!!!I am really starting to believe that i am not meant to be a geologist...I am so discouraged...demotivated might be the correct word! I am writing Mineral Economics on Wednesday...I have a real good class mark for it but i dont know if it will be good enough to bring up my overall average for the June exams. I need a 65% average in all the courses by the end of the year to be able to pass this year!!!

I think my approach to to the couse this semester was a bit wrong (?)...I spent too much time trying to catch up on at least four years worth of work! Take tectonics for example. I started preparing for the tectonics exam 6 weeks ago already! I went all out: purchased A0 writing paper on which i made my notes and pasted it all over my study area...then when it came to applying all the "catch up" work to local tecteno-stratigraphy, i couldnt do shit! so this weekend (after my botched geophysics exam) i decided to change the approach and concentrate on just my abstracts...and guess what? Only the abstracts were in the exams! The same business with the geophysics exam!


anyway, moving right along...i'll give it my best...next semester i'll just work harder to bring my average up!

I am so vexed!
I think i faiiled that geophysics exam...no correctio, i failed that exam!

I am so pissed off! I am doing honours for god's sake! this is where you are suppose to apply the knolwdge gained to suitable courses! This is why i think geophysics is as NOTfor me!!!!We attended thiscourse for 3 weeks at UCT, cape town, and we had 2 "catch up" lectures because none of us did geophysics last year! but guess what? 90% of that paper was based on the catchup lectures! so, of course since our head of department in Stellenbosch told us that honours is all about application of knowledge gained!

Post later

It's not happening!!!

I am so not ready for this exam! I set my alarm for 3am but just couldnt get out of bed! It's raining out there and i am generally not interested in the subject! Seismic reflectioIn...can you imagine?!? but what can i do?'ll do my best...

My biggest worry is Tectonics on monday!That is another concern and i will have to work hard for it this weekend...In tectonics they are trying to reconstruct what happen on earth millions of years ago...what the...??? My point is it happened then! Let it be and let's move forward! I know it's the wrong attitude for a geologist but really, I am not interested. Some find it interesting (at the end of the day, it tells you about why certain minerals are where they are etc) but i dont...It's there already!!!

That's me vexing...I'll post a mail later...I'll run through what i know and hope for the best!

Exam Madness!!!
I am writing a geophysics exam tomorrow! ...and instead studying,i am day dreaming...That doesnt mean that i know anything about geophysics, though...

I cant wait to finish this year! but the year has been flying by so quickly! It's half way through June already!!!

I have meaning to start this blog at the beginning of the year already...but nou ja...

I want to go home...3 more weeks and i'll be at home. I wish i had my flat all to myself though...I have gotten so use to staying alone. If i create a mess(which i still believe reflects my internal state of affairs), i dont want to have to feel guilty about it...and that business of tip toeing in my own space will slowly drive me up the wall! I know that! On the other hand, i will be spending 2 of those weeks in the field trying to find out why diamonds are where they are and why they are not where they are suppose to be... I am still trying to get grasps of my project, but i am confident that it will be a killer!

Hopefully, I'll see "Tamali "(my interest of late)...that's another story all together. See, i am learning how to trust again...the problem (or maybe it's not) is that he is so young (but so damn sexy, though!)...But, shoot, if Demi Moore can do it, so can i right? But is this what i really need right now? Sham, i hope it works out!I dont want to mess the guy's life and perspective on women up by involving him in my gwans! and gwans there are!!!

I will also be going to the coast a bit...cant wait to surprise V and i want to get my hands on those letters of mine (she's kept all the letters i wrote to her when i was in Pretoria)...it will make for some good laughing and Lord knows i need that right now!

Anyway, got to dash...need to hammer geophysics in my head by 9am tomorrow morning!