Another downer

The past couple of days have been quite kak. I have hit another depression. I am not sure where it is coming from. Part of me thinks that it stems from the email from Mr B. We have been sharing erotic emails with each other and one night last week he called me and sort of told me about his gwans with medem and the pending divorce. It was the first time he opened up to me about it. Then the emails switched to the situation of him and I...Out of the blue he says in the email that to understand him better, i should marry him. I told him that he shouldnt be saying things like that because i could misinterpret that and think he is proposing to me and that he should take care of himself. He said that he has to take care of himself because he is waiting for me to come home from SA to marry him. I said i'd marry him without thinking twice about it but he needs to sort out his gwans. Then he said that he said that it is nice to hear that i would marry him without thinking twice. I wasnt comfortable with the direction our conversation was going and told him that we should revert back to the erotic emails and sent him an email telling him about an erotic dream i had of him. He replies by just saying that i should have a good day. WTF??? i told him pretty much that: that how can he justgive me a one line response to my email about the dream. He obviously didnt read the email...
It pisses me off because ihate the fact that he's giving me mixed signals...I really like him and want him but i am not sure if i can afford this yo-yo'ing of my emotions!!
I havent heard from him since Friday.
I think i should say my good byes but this time i need to tell him how i feel about all of it and give him my reasons. He can do with whatever he wants. He had told me that he wont give up on me that easily...Well, fuck that! I think he is being selfish!!!

Another reason for my depression is that i spoke to my sister about Mr B's proposal and she asked me whether that's what i want:a relationship. And i said to her yes i want a relationship. I want a Mr B in my life and that it doesnt necessarily mean it has to be this particular Mr B, but just the idea of him. She says to me that she doesnt think i am ready. WTF does she mean?? I said to her that i dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. And that's true. I dont want to end up alone just because i havent found the right guy. I wonder if that's why i ended up with my terrible track record with affairs with taken men. Am i willing to settle for just anything because i dont want to be alone? I told her that i dont want to think about all of this now and that i have sort of compartmentalised that as well in the "deal with it later" compartment. That is not healthy, i know that!! Somehow, i left that lunch with her feeling that she spoke to me in a condescending manner and got very pissed off about that. That and the fact that her man is proving more and more to be a wuss...she must deal with her man and just leave me alone. it was one of those days again that i came to bed seriously regretting meeting my siblings.
I couldnt deal with that and got terrible drunk on my own that night...

The other reason for my depression is the slowly approaching end of the year. I am not getting anywhere with my studies. I dont think i will make it and the thought of it is driving me nuts!!! I failed tectonics and geophysics. That means that i need to have an average of 65% for the year. That's including my project. I can easily kick ass with my project if i spent more time on it or at least understood what i was doing...I dont have the support that i need and sort feel like just giving up!!!So far this semester, i have messed up an important module (hydrogeology)...Geomodelling can bring my average up a bit...the next two modules will mess it all up again...urghhhhhhh!!!!!! Why have i done this to myself???why did i come study this stupid thing!!! Two reasons stand out:i wanted to get out of that town and i wanted to prove to those fuckers that i too can do an honors! again, trying to please people this time to the detriment of my sanity!!!

I need to get away from all of this!
Yes, run away again!
I am not that strong!
I am alone in this world with nobody there to fall back on!!!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
When will it be my turn to be happy?!?!
All i am asking for is a little happiness and love...unconditional love!