Another downer

The past couple of days have been quite kak. I have hit another depression. I am not sure where it is coming from. Part of me thinks that it stems from the email from Mr B. We have been sharing erotic emails with each other and one night last week he called me and sort of told me about his gwans with medem and the pending divorce. It was the first time he opened up to me about it. Then the emails switched to the situation of him and I...Out of the blue he says in the email that to understand him better, i should marry him. I told him that he shouldnt be saying things like that because i could misinterpret that and think he is proposing to me and that he should take care of himself. He said that he has to take care of himself because he is waiting for me to come home from SA to marry him. I said i'd marry him without thinking twice about it but he needs to sort out his gwans. Then he said that he said that it is nice to hear that i would marry him without thinking twice. I wasnt comfortable with the direction our conversation was going and told him that we should revert back to the erotic emails and sent him an email telling him about an erotic dream i had of him. He replies by just saying that i should have a good day. WTF??? i told him pretty much that: that how can he justgive me a one line response to my email about the dream. He obviously didnt read the email...
It pisses me off because ihate the fact that he's giving me mixed signals...I really like him and want him but i am not sure if i can afford this yo-yo'ing of my emotions!!
I havent heard from him since Friday.
I think i should say my good byes but this time i need to tell him how i feel about all of it and give him my reasons. He can do with whatever he wants. He had told me that he wont give up on me that easily...Well, fuck that! I think he is being selfish!!!

Another reason for my depression is that i spoke to my sister about Mr B's proposal and she asked me whether that's what i want:a relationship. And i said to her yes i want a relationship. I want a Mr B in my life and that it doesnt necessarily mean it has to be this particular Mr B, but just the idea of him. She says to me that she doesnt think i am ready. WTF does she mean?? I said to her that i dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. And that's true. I dont want to end up alone just because i havent found the right guy. I wonder if that's why i ended up with my terrible track record with affairs with taken men. Am i willing to settle for just anything because i dont want to be alone? I told her that i dont want to think about all of this now and that i have sort of compartmentalised that as well in the "deal with it later" compartment. That is not healthy, i know that!! Somehow, i left that lunch with her feeling that she spoke to me in a condescending manner and got very pissed off about that. That and the fact that her man is proving more and more to be a wuss...she must deal with her man and just leave me alone. it was one of those days again that i came to bed seriously regretting meeting my siblings.
I couldnt deal with that and got terrible drunk on my own that night...

The other reason for my depression is the slowly approaching end of the year. I am not getting anywhere with my studies. I dont think i will make it and the thought of it is driving me nuts!!! I failed tectonics and geophysics. That means that i need to have an average of 65% for the year. That's including my project. I can easily kick ass with my project if i spent more time on it or at least understood what i was doing...I dont have the support that i need and sort feel like just giving up!!!So far this semester, i have messed up an important module (hydrogeology)...Geomodelling can bring my average up a bit...the next two modules will mess it all up again...urghhhhhhh!!!!!! Why have i done this to myself???why did i come study this stupid thing!!! Two reasons stand out:i wanted to get out of that town and i wanted to prove to those fuckers that i too can do an honors! again, trying to please people this time to the detriment of my sanity!!!

I need to get away from all of this!
Yes, run away again!
I am not that strong!
I am alone in this world with nobody there to fall back on!!!
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
When will it be my turn to be happy?!?!
All i am asking for is a little happiness and love...unconditional love!

Post my 30th birthday...

OK, so where was I? I dont even remember so i will retrace to my birthday...

I was feeling down and found my self in a pretty deep, dark hole. So i phoned my girl in the Bay and she somma decided that she would buy me a ticket back home so that i don't have to be alone on my birthday! Gosh, i was so excited because really,the thought of having to spend my birthday here would have driven me completely over the edge!I would have OD'd on my Rescue Remedy!!! The other option was to go spend the weekend with Mnr Insecure and fam which still would have meant that on that Wednesday i would still be alone and still not have been able to break it down with my sister the way we want to volgens the shadow would either have tagged along or would have been quite bitter because we would have gone completely overboard again!

Anywho, so that morning, i skipped class and was at the airport bright and early at 8am! I somma even woke up feeling very happy with myself and ready to face the world! Arrived in the bay at about lunch time and hooked up with my girl, V, whom i haven't seen in ages! I just knew that greater things were to come...we went out that night and had a great time! Got home at 6 am! It was really a great night-we ended it by inviting mary jane to join us outside a club in the Bay...I struggled to get up on the Thursday, though...It's been a while!

Of course in the mean time, Mr B and I are constantly on the phone and i realise more and more that i am in love with him. This is bad!!! Very Bad!!! I am not even sure there is a turning back from here onwards. I suppose the only good thing is that i am not home and that when i am here, i can keep my self busy with other things other than trying to run up my emotions...and my phone bill!!!

Anyway, the Friday, i went to WHK, quite excited because i thought i would see Mr B since we texting each other all the time that i was on the road to whk...Sham, not a chance...I didn't see him, his phone just rang and i am like "here we go again"....weird enough is that i didn't feel anything about it, you know? like i wasnt angry or anything, i just let it be. I went to check out my girl's house in Kleine Kuppe and ended up sleeping there (too tired to drive back)...

Saturday, i went shopping with my sister and we sat for pizza. It is such a huge trip seeing my sister all grown up like this! Anywho, my brothers and sister decided to have a braai for me, so i went home .I must admit that at this point i was starting to have tiny anxiety attacks because i hadn't started working on the 10 page hydrogeology essay that was due on Monday. But, that afternoon, my familia (and i mean, all of them! even the once i hadn't seen in a long time)came over and we had a fab braai. That is until Grizzly Bear came to make her appearance! I don't like what my brother has been reduced to and got very emotional! My god,i was crying like someone had died! Then it hit me that i am once again way too involved in these people's lives! He made his bed, so he should lie in it, right? but it breaks my heart to see how unhappy he is. Or maybe he is happy with the set up...i don't know.

I have made a decision to leave it...let them sort it out on their own. He married her, didn't he?

We drank till the sun came up and i went to the airport still drinking. At some point, i think at around 5am, i decided to send Mr B an sms wishing him luck with his life and that he should leave me alone and basically thanking him for taking me for one big box...The kak is that i also told him that i have fallen for him!! what a way to own up to my own feelings-by sending a drunken sms to him!

As i was about to board the plane, he called me giving me some excuse that i wasn't ready to listen to right at that moment. I called him when i came here but then he started skieting, so i left it at that and passed out. 2 days later, he called and we had an intense conversation...I know he feels me...

last week i found myself getting involve in another siblings life. And for the second time in a very long time, i thought to myself that i regret getting to know my dad's children...i don't know what it is all i know is that i need to distance myself from them. It will be very difficult because i love them very much but i want to be on my own...far away where i don't know anyone...maybe i should immigrate for a while..I don't want to hear about their lives, jack-fokkol. It is draining me...

which brings me to my decision to go on a holiday...on my own...I want to travel to Europe, US and to the Caribbean islands...for at least 3 weeks...If i had the money, i would have booked my ticket now already...But toe maar, it will happen...soon!

Mr B proposed to me today...I told him to stop taking gat of me but he said that he is serious...well, i can now at least say I've had 4 marriage proposals in my life and then wonder why i am still alone? that is the million $ question...why cant men commit to me? or is it me?what? what? what? if i am good enough to be proposed to, why can it not happen....that's where my numerology report comes in: my report says that i become very good friends with my lovers and then they leave because they think all i can offer them is friendship...the report goes even further and says that i should become a nun...WHAT????I like thingssssssssss!

i will stop here...i am getting too depressed

I'm 30!

So this is it! I am 30 years old today! Very excited! I was depressed about it (or something) but i am looking forward to the rest of the year!
I am on my way to walvisbay where i will be dropping it like it's hot with Lani and then i'llbe off to windhoek for the weekend! I wonder if i'll see Mr B...maybe, maybe not...whatever the case may be! I am so looking forward, dis nogals nie snaaks nie!

I have a to board now...but watch this space!
ps, i read a numerology report on my name and birthday! Some disturbing but hilariuos finds! I'll write about that later!!

Four days before i turn 30...

I am lying in bed, drinking some red wine (a beautiful local Muratie Melck's Red, 2005 Merlot/Shiraz blend) and watching some movies...I am overwhelmed by loneliness...I just finished watching Jersey Girl and sunk in this depression...I dont want to be alone! I will be 30 in 4 days time and I am lonely...I am sort of emotionally blackmailing people to come here for my birthday! I have never been alone on my birthday and on this one, when i am suppose to be celebrating my a great number...I will be alone...lest we forget, i will be broke too...I am so miserable...

Got a sms from the Boy-Wonder on Thursday night...yes, the thing about Mr B is out and i was accused of being a home-wrecker...He asked me how i could stoop so low to be jumping a married man! It hit a nerve, somehow...I couldnt even respond to his text. i came home and had to think about what exactly about his text that bothered me the most: Is it the fact that now everyone in that stupid town knows about Mr B and I or the fact that this is becoming a pattern...especially at 30! I have been the other woman for as long as i can remember...Oh my God! I am the product of an affair that my mom and dad had! Yes, it might have been a passionate affair but the fact remains that my father was married!!! does this mean that i am re-living history? More specifically, my mom's history? If that is the case, does this mean that at this rate i will still be alone at 50, 20 years from now? I bloody hope not!!! At least my mom have my sister and i...I wonder if it's any coincidence that both my sister's father and mine were married? Gosh i need to see a shrink!
I am flirting with another married man (Mr Reunion dance)! he cant stop emailing me and is already fantasising about our reunion dance. I know i wont go there but somehow there is an excitement about it...although i feel lonely after wards...why cant these married men stay away from me!!!

I think i am in love with Mr B...yes i know it's too soon but after all this kak, i know that i still want him.I am such a motherfucking sad case! how do i get myself into this situations???more importantly, how the fuck do i get out of it??? I need to do something...find something to do that will get me out of this!

this is driving me nuts!
I dont want to grow old like this!
I dont want to not have children!
I dont want to die not having ever experienced that unconditional love that one has for a child or a child for you!!!

Babies etc

Inno gave birth on Thursday to a boy...apparently very tall boy...55cm. I still have a lot mixed feelings about the birth of that baby...I guess i could handle guitly and Shirley's pregnancies because i dont really see them all that much but Inno will be in my face when ever i go home! I will die seeing and hearing a baby in that house...especially since it is not mine!

Well, anyway, another leo it is...on the 2nd of august we got a male addition to our family...yeah!

I think I have come down from this Mr B high I was on...he is perfect....too perfect...but now i cant help but think he might be too perfect...so perfect that i am seeing way too much into this than what i actually should be...I should just accept the fact that he is not mine, probably wont be for a while to come and meet him again with a new slate...or what's that saying?

I cant stop thinking about him, though...And i know it's way too soon to say that i am in love with him...Lord have mercry!!! i know he's feeling me as well but is this what i really want? this "you know what you are getting yourself into" mambo-jumbo? Ek weet darem nie...I dont hear from him for a day and i freak out because "maybe he is with the medem"...I mean, let's just talk about that for one split second!They still live together...and the whole thing is a bit dodgy for me, if you'll ask me...how do you sue for divorce after just 3 years? surely it's a thing that can be just sorted out? Then what do i do? No Sana, i think i will have to slowly say goodbye to this one as well...
Oh but it is so nice!!!!
I love the way he makes me feel!...when he's with me, that is...

oh, why does it have to be so difficult???

I think i found him........!

I'm back from Oranjemund...It's been an interesting past 3 weeks! Now let me remind you again that this blog is called "New Beginnings" ...and it's for a reason: I knew that this year weird things would be happening to me!!! On the day i arrived in Oranjemund, I was pretty stoned out of my mind, but i think that by the time in omd, the high had subsided a bit...Anyway, Phillip collected me at the airport and i asked for his car because i needed to sort out my sim card...i arrived at the shop and saw him...our eyes locked for abt 5 sec...and it was game over!!! he help me and i couldnt stop staring at him...I think he's collegue notice because she handed me over to him without even blinking...I left the shop and all i could think of is that i need to meet him...I asked around about him but nobody had seen him...So I left it at that and had quite a raucous night with the girls! It was hectic! Anyway, the following day i went to a braai with the girls but i was so tired! And then he walked in there with the boys! Sham! Again,eye contact and then it was game over! I kept on telling Sam to get out of my way because he was blocking my view! Hanakam, in the meantime, u-brother man is checking me out too! That night, i convinced Phillip that we need to go make a turn at the club! This very me who was complaining about exhaustion the whole night! Of course i knew that he was going there too...We met and started talking...he asked me to dance with him and i was holding my earings in my hands and he took it from me (or did i give them to him?Hmm)...anyway, he was in possesion of my ear rings by the time he left the club...The following day, i zulad for his number, some people wouldnt give it to me-a certain wambo who's name begins with and S and surname with an A-, but i managed to get hold of it and text him the sunday night...the texting started at about 6 pm on sunday and ended at about 1 am on Monday morning...the attraction was there but i was scared to meet him because when i thought about it, i actually orchestrated this whole thing since i had seen him at the shop on the Tuesday when i arrived in town...Now that i was about to "succeed" in my quest, i was ready to chicken out...but something told me to carry through with it so we decided to meet on the Thursday....Mind you, at this point in time, i had known this guy for all of FOUR days, if you take into consideration the days when i actually STARTED talking to this guy(saturuday) and here i was ready to meet him on the Thursday! Anyway, so we met...i cooked a little something-something (which Phillip and Jessica almost killed!)...i had some wine, he had some beer...and we spoke...forever...but it felt like the time was moving at its own, slow pace...he said he'd give me a back rub and...we spoke for a bit longer and he asked me something (Good God! I cant remember what he'd asked me)...i was trying to answer it but, i remember, looking down and then...he kissed me....Sana, everything melted...I was liquid everywhere...It was so nice! I cant remember the last time someone held me like that! Shit i dont know if anyone has ever held me like that! Kissed me like that...touched me like that! Oh my God! I was listening to him and all i could think is that "I want this boy!".And he cuddles and plays and he accepts my ankle, without bitching! ( I have this thing of that if i am sleeping with someone, my ankle need to be between their ankles-usually people bitch about it...but he didnt)...It was so nice! Except the part were we stop because i wanted to confirm his marital status...and he did...and there was a brief "what now" moment...and...We woke up the next day, and without even realising, i am parading my naked ass aroung him... and he his...we kissed good bye and all i could thinking about was this boy! It was game over ever since...we've been chatting every since and last weekend...wow...I WANT THIS BOY...I want everthing that he is...and i orchestrated all of this...double wow!!!Our goodbye on sunday was sad...i was so deur mekaar...i was worried about him and just missed him so damn much!but i knew i'd see him soon...or at least hear from him soon...his phone was off because he left his charger behind...so when his text came through yesterday morning...i was in seventh heaven...then i didnt hear from him last night and i was like...here we go again...and then he called me today....It was so nice...Bottom Line: I WANT THIS BOY....I dont know how...but...

The end of the field trip...combi fever galore

I returned last night after spending 2 weeks on the road with my class mates and one lecturer...after day three i was ready to murder someone because they were all getting on my last nerves! We were camping in sub-zero tempertures! I refused to risk all that and opted to sleep in the combi...a shit lot of help that was because i got the mutha of all flus! Fever blisters in tow!

I beefed a bit with Lee-Anne....Actually i wont call it beefing...it was more a clash of personalities and i just felt i needed to sort that out with her before things really became ugly at some point...So when we were in Rosh Pinah, probably on day 7 or so, i called her aside and told her how i feel about her patronizing me etc...all went well after that. The following night JM and i decided to take a break from the rest and went to visit Alida and the crew...Before we went there we got some Mary Jane...huge mistake! Because it brought out the very ugly in that boy!I liked him, and felt sorry for him at some point but then realised that day that he is a selfish spoiltbrat! I cant deal with shit like that right now. He is irresponsible and has this attitude of "i get given money and dont need to work for it". So if at any point we had crashed that car or anything, he would have just shrugged his shoulders and said "ah well, no big deal"...he's always has his way but that shit wont work for me.OMG, he even asked me whether i am friends with him because of all the money he has-talk about paranoia!!!

Anyway, on the plus side...i will be seeing Tamali next weekend and i cant wait! I've come back from this field trip horny as hell and i can only think of two guys who can sort it out for me...The Boy wonder and Tamali...Gosh, i wish i could fuse them together in one as their skills will definately complement each other! Oh damn, even a three some with those 2 will be out of this world! But the Boy wonder is otherwise occupied so i will have to settle for Tamali only....i cant wait to see him!

Spoke to my boss as well...i am ear marked to take over James' post in luderitz next year. It's a senoir position with extra cash! I can use that cash to realise my dream sooner!I have my doubts about working with James though...especially after my experience with him last year...I need to get my hands on a life coach before the end of this year...

I cant wait...i must just pass this damn year!

The weekend...betrayals and all else...

So, i am done with the exams...it's over and i dont really want to talk about except for the fact that the GIS paper rocked as well. it's confirmed: i am NOT a geologist!

anyway, i am so broke and completely freaked out about because i have to rely on other people again!What is it with my "friends"?Apparently my cousin gave some money to my friend deposit it in my account on Friday because i need it for tomorrow's excursion...The money never found its way to me...why? because my friend though that he needed the money more than i did...See, he needed to drink and my need was pushed to the bottom of the list...It hurts so much...Oriah mountain Dreamer said something about the reason why betrayal from a friend of loved one hurts so much is because you have learnt to trust that person...with a lot of things...and when you cant trust your friends, who are you suppose to rely on? In my case, it will have to be my sister...I love her with all my heart and, yes, she has hurt me in her own way in the past but it's ok...i understand-just like i usually do...I always understand....

Well i am sick of understanding...when will it be my turn? When will i have to be seen as "she is being her...it's expected of her to react this way because it's her Character"? i dont know if i am making sense right now...but i wish people could see how much they hurt me...that i am not that strong person that they are jealous of and constantly want to hurt...I keep on thinking it's my fault...my sister said to me the other day that i live a different life to my friends and so when they hurt me, I act all surprise?At first i was thinking "what the fuck does she mean?"...to a certain extend i am still wondering about that...but more importantly, i am starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, there is some truth to it...am I living a lie to my friends? Why do they all think that i can handle the kak they are throwing my way? Let's start with Grace...What in her right mind besiel'd her to go there...did she really think i would not mind her blabbing my business to those very people i dont give a shit about? Did i, at any point in my life since knowing her, give her the impression that it will be ok for my stories to be known by every one? Did the fact that i was being so open to her and being so honest with her give her the impression that i wouldnt mind if she spread the word about me? What? Or did she intentionally wanted to hurt...Did she think i would just laugh it off and say "oh hey, let's have another vodka?"...do i really appear to be that shallow?....that never minded?

Phillip????Even him?Not deposit the money for me because you felt you wanted to go and get drunk instead? I wouldnt mind? What the fuck is all this about????

I cant take this anymore! I feel terrible because i took out my annoyance on my nephew today...but he is also to much that child!I would have "rescue-remedied" his ass if i had it on me! Let's not even talk about it his friend!

I need to get out of here...out of this space! now i am going on this god-forsaken trip for 2 weeks with these kids and i dont even have my mary jane...I am UPSETTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Why cant things ever work themselves out for me?I really can not take this anymore! i am tired! I am tired! i am tired of this bullshit!

Almost done...

Another 11 hours and i'll be finished with the exams...cant wait! I will be dropping it like it's hot in the Ivory Room tomorrow night!So looking forward to that!My brain needs to rest for a bit! My head wants to explode! I have a splitting head-ache and am just exhausted!Right now it feels like my brain will undergo thermal subsidence, at any point now, due to tensional stresses! yes, tectonics cant leave me alone!Gosh,i so badly wanted to do good in that exam...if we wrote an exam on the principles of tectonics, i am pretty sure i would have aced it! but nou ja, such is life...wha' ka' we do?

Next week i am going on a stupid mine tour that will last for about 2 weeks...a complete waste of my time, if you ask me! Which reminds me that i will have to be working on my presentation sometime this weekend!

This is too much...but i am driven by the end result! This better be worth it!

later! I need to catch some Zzz's before the exam! Here's wishing myself luck!

Breathe...

I just finished writing Mineral Economics. It was a good paper! For once since i started writing exams, i answered all the questions very confidently! Hopefully this paper will bring my average up a little!

Anyway, i spoke to Tamali last night...seems like i will be seeing him! I told him to go on a high carb/protein diet because he needs to be able to keep up with my appetite! i have a lot of pent up energy that needs to be released. He should also not think that he will be doing any sight seeing or partying-he can do that next weekend-because he has a lot of work to do:-)Shame, i hope i didnt scare him away!

I am so exhausted! stayed up untill late trying to concetrate on my notes but spent most of the time day-dreaming! BUt i am happy with the paper, regardless!

later! I want to sleep for a bit before tackling GIS...

My sad history with men...

I have not heard from Tamali,so i guess i wont be seeing him...does everything have to be so tough! I mean why cant i just find a guy who will meet my criteria???i know that sounds harsh but i want my "high school loves" back!!! and with that i dont mean getting my high school boyfriend back (he is soooooo married with twins etc!) but that time in my life was great...love was so effortless and came naturally! Then i grew up and realised that you have to do so much work! then when you do, shit gets too hectic and you are not appreciated! Take my relationship with that idiot (let's call him Monster cos that's what he became) for example. He completely swept me off my feet in my first year...then within 6 months i got too involved! he liked it and just didnt appreciate it anymore...I should have left then already! But noooooooooo...Medem thought she was in love and that she has finally found The One! just to be confronted by one challenge after the next! First, he has a son with this hectic cow. She made sure my life with him was unbearable and i grinned and beared it! Of course he expected me to bear it because "you are from a similar background"! and i sort of justified it by saying that of course i am from the same background (siblings from same father but different mommies) but my goodness, my mothers never bitched with each other! But, wait for it, i found out that he is married! this after 3 years of being with him! I was very innocently clearing out the study, just to come across a prenup between the baby-mama and him! Upon confrontation,he got so angry and asked me why the hell i am going through his things! I should have left then...but nooooooooooooo....I was in love and thought he's The One! Then he started beating me! Of course, at first, i thought nothing of it because just a shove but the day he beat almost to a pulp and smashed my head with a 12kg dumbell, i knew i had to leave! I was going through the "Boiled frog syndrom"...at that point i had allowed him to control every thing in my life! Most importantly, he had control over my finances! In the mean time i had miscarried 3 times ( i still believe that that was by God's Grace! I know that sounds terrible but i know know God loves me and that He didnt want that man to be part of my life!).So i, very painfully, endured 3 more months of that kak and upon graduation took my kadundu and ran home were i was in a secure environment! His world "fell apart" because this "village girl" that he was trying to panel beat into his ideal, subservient wife left him! In fact, i think he's words were somewhere in the line of " I am embarassed! So embarassed! what will my friends say"! can you imagine! the same friends who all knew that he was married! As a matter of fact, one of them (who was at the house every weekend! in fact we spent a weekend with his wife and him) was involved in every step of the Lobola negotiations for the baby-mama! His mother starts calling me and telling me that i should take her son back because he is busy losing his mind! Let's just talk about that! Which woman, in her right mind, will tolerate and allow her son to treat another womans child the way her son treated me!She knew that he was married! When i asked her she said that they dont want the baby-mama in their family and that i am the one they want! I just laughed and hung up on her! That's all i could do, short of swearing at her!

That was the Monster...After him, i guess i was on a hectic rebound and needed to feel secure/safe, but what it was led me straight in the arms of the Poet... Very sweet and gentle guy...he wrote poems for me...loved the nature, the works!...and fine as hell! But guess what? He had 4 children and...wait for it...MARRIED as well! I felt like i was being punished for something! I mean what the hell were the chances of me jumping from one kak hole to the next???I endured him for about a year and told him to bounce! He freaked me out a little...He's an ex-cop and had this very suspicious nature about him that made me very uncomfortable because i still believe that his suspicions could have been a precursor for potential violence!

Then I decided to leave this man rubbish for a while! Or rather...if there was a man game to be played, i decided to do it on my own terms...like back in the day, when i still had control over my life! and boy, did i have fun! the funny thing about it was that i got involved with younger guys and i met the Boy-Wonder...It was fun in the beginning but got a bit sketchy and confusing towards the end...But he's my boy, though...we both realised that we are better off as friends and i regard him as one of my best friends today.

I wont even talk about the other one ( a result of my rebound from my friend-lover-best friend experience)...

Then i took a break (a hiatus in geological terms!)...I met Tamali under the most intriguing circumstances...too beautiful a story(in my view, anyway).This guy popped up 4 times in my life over a period of 3 months but something always stopped us from talking to each other. I didnt even know his name but funny enough, on the last day in the town we met, i found out that he was working at the mine i was seconded to! I immediately asked my assistant (she's become such a great friend of mine!) about him and she told me that, if we are talking about the same guy ( i described him to her and mentioned that he has the most beautiful eyes and smile) then she thinks that it's the same guy who has been bugging her about me since i arrived on the mine! What the fuck were the chances! I had to meet him! So i did something completely outof character! I (illegaly) found out his name and surname! Unfortunately the information also came with his date of birth! His age completely burst my little bubble and i left the mine without making an efford to get hold of him! That and the fact that I have never done the "Hi, remember me?" phone calls before in my life! Then the weirdest thing happened 3 months later: I went home on my annual leave...on the second day of my leave, a friend invited me for a drink and she picked me up. However, after she picked me up at our house, we made a brief stop at a house down the street from my house...and there he was again! I was "like noo! this cant be happening! I have to meet this guy" but because i was such a coward, i didnt get out of the car! The next day, i met another friend for lunch at Spur and...there he was again! Sham! We, again, didnt say anything to each other...just some hectic eye-contact and when he left, he passed by our table and said hi! Like a fool, i just mumbled a hi and he left...When i got back to my place, at the end of my leave, a friend from the town he's from, called me up to asked me whether i dont want to go visit her and i told her that i am never returning to that town since there is a guy in that town that i am obviously NEVER suppose to meet! she asked me about it and i told her the whole story and he said she will search for him and get me his numbers! Within an hour she send me a sms with 2 numbers...I saved one number on my phone and told her that when i have the courage (probably after i mary jane!) i will call him! I didnt have to because that night she went out, ran into him and gave him my number! so 3 months later, after having quite a hard time to get hold of my number, he calls me up at 1h30 am! We have been on the phone since then but i had to come here this year so, again, something came up and we never met! Now isnt that crazy?!We eventually met in March this year and it was great! I spent a weekend with him...but he is a challenge!He is so young but what's great about him is that i like the way he makes me feel...hearing his voice lifts my spirit somehow;he makes me laugh and for some weird reason i dont feel the need to impress him like i do when i meet guys my age..! May i should listen to what the Universe is telling me! Only young guys have been popping up in my life, and since this is a year of New Beginnings, I should just let it go and let it flow...Let go of my inhibitions and JUST DO IT! Damn!

Ironically, I am listening to Milli Vanilli's (remember them!!!) "i'm gonna miss u"! I think it's a sign to say goodbye to him...or maybe not...he still intrigues me so much!I am meeting up with him in 3 weeks again...this time on my turf...my place...we'll see how that goes...

Later!

It's really going slow...
Wrote Tectonics today...thought i had it canned...got home just to realise that i had 2 orogenies confused!!!I am really starting to believe that i am not meant to be a geologist...I am so discouraged...demotivated might be the correct word! I am writing Mineral Economics on Wednesday...I have a real good class mark for it but i dont know if it will be good enough to bring up my overall average for the June exams. I need a 65% average in all the courses by the end of the year to be able to pass this year!!!

I think my approach to to the couse this semester was a bit wrong (?)...I spent too much time trying to catch up on at least four years worth of work! Take tectonics for example. I started preparing for the tectonics exam 6 weeks ago already! I went all out: purchased A0 writing paper on which i made my notes and pasted it all over my study area...then when it came to applying all the "catch up" work to local tecteno-stratigraphy, i couldnt do shit! so this weekend (after my botched geophysics exam) i decided to change the approach and concentrate on just my abstracts...and guess what? Only the abstracts were in the exams! The same business with the geophysics exam!


anyway, moving right along...i'll give it my best...next semester i'll just work harder to bring my average up!

I am so vexed!
I think i faiiled that geophysics exam...no correctio, i failed that exam!

I am so pissed off! I am doing honours for god's sake! this is where you are suppose to apply the knolwdge gained to suitable courses! This is why i think geophysics is as NOTfor me!!!!We attended thiscourse for 3 weeks at UCT, cape town, and we had 2 "catch up" lectures because none of us did geophysics last year! but guess what? 90% of that paper was based on the catchup lectures! so, of course since our head of department in Stellenbosch told us that honours is all about application of knowledge gained!

Post later

It's not happening!!!

I am so not ready for this exam! I set my alarm for 3am but just couldnt get out of bed! It's raining out there and i am generally not interested in the subject! Seismic reflectioIn...can you imagine?!? but what can i do?'ll do my best...

My biggest worry is Tectonics on monday!That is another concern and i will have to work hard for it this weekend...In tectonics they are trying to reconstruct what happen on earth millions of years ago...what the...??? My point is it happened then! Let it be and let's move forward! I know it's the wrong attitude for a geologist but really, I am not interested. Some find it interesting (at the end of the day, it tells you about why certain minerals are where they are etc) but i dont...It's there already!!!

That's me vexing...I'll post a mail later...I'll run through what i know and hope for the best!

Exam Madness!!!
I am writing a geophysics exam tomorrow! ...and instead studying,i am day dreaming...That doesnt mean that i know anything about geophysics, though...

I cant wait to finish this year! but the year has been flying by so quickly! It's half way through June already!!!

I have meaning to start this blog at the beginning of the year already...but nou ja...

I want to go home...3 more weeks and i'll be at home. I wish i had my flat all to myself though...I have gotten so use to staying alone. If i create a mess(which i still believe reflects my internal state of affairs), i dont want to have to feel guilty about it...and that business of tip toeing in my own space will slowly drive me up the wall! I know that! On the other hand, i will be spending 2 of those weeks in the field trying to find out why diamonds are where they are and why they are not where they are suppose to be... I am still trying to get grasps of my project, but i am confident that it will be a killer!

Hopefully, I'll see "Tamali "(my interest of late)...that's another story all together. See, i am learning how to trust again...the problem (or maybe it's not) is that he is so young (but so damn sexy, though!)...But, shoot, if Demi Moore can do it, so can i right? But is this what i really need right now? Sham, i hope it works out!I dont want to mess the guy's life and perspective on women up by involving him in my gwans! and gwans there are!!!

I will also be going to the coast a bit...cant wait to surprise V and i want to get my hands on those letters of mine (she's kept all the letters i wrote to her when i was in Pretoria)...it will make for some good laughing and Lord knows i need that right now!

Anyway, got to dash...need to hammer geophysics in my head by 9am tomorrow morning!