I'm 30!

So this is it! I am 30 years old today! Very excited! I was depressed about it (or something) but i am looking forward to the rest of the year!
I am on my way to walvisbay where i will be dropping it like it's hot with Lani and then i'llbe off to windhoek for the weekend! I wonder if i'll see Mr B...maybe, maybe not...whatever the case may be! I am so looking forward, dis nogals nie snaaks nie!

I have a to board now...but watch this space!
ps, i read a numerology report on my name and birthday! Some disturbing but hilariuos finds! I'll write about that later!!

Four days before i turn 30...

I am lying in bed, drinking some red wine (a beautiful local Muratie Melck's Red, 2005 Merlot/Shiraz blend) and watching some movies...I am overwhelmed by loneliness...I just finished watching Jersey Girl and sunk in this depression...I dont want to be alone! I will be 30 in 4 days time and I am lonely...I am sort of emotionally blackmailing people to come here for my birthday! I have never been alone on my birthday and on this one, when i am suppose to be celebrating my a great number...I will be alone...lest we forget, i will be broke too...I am so miserable...

Got a sms from the Boy-Wonder on Thursday night...yes, the thing about Mr B is out and i was accused of being a home-wrecker...He asked me how i could stoop so low to be jumping a married man! It hit a nerve, somehow...I couldnt even respond to his text. i came home and had to think about what exactly about his text that bothered me the most: Is it the fact that now everyone in that stupid town knows about Mr B and I or the fact that this is becoming a pattern...especially at 30! I have been the other woman for as long as i can remember...Oh my God! I am the product of an affair that my mom and dad had! Yes, it might have been a passionate affair but the fact remains that my father was married!!! does this mean that i am re-living history? More specifically, my mom's history? If that is the case, does this mean that at this rate i will still be alone at 50, 20 years from now? I bloody hope not!!! At least my mom have my sister and i...I wonder if it's any coincidence that both my sister's father and mine were married? Gosh i need to see a shrink!
I am flirting with another married man (Mr Reunion dance)! he cant stop emailing me and is already fantasising about our reunion dance. I know i wont go there but somehow there is an excitement about it...although i feel lonely after wards...why cant these married men stay away from me!!!

I think i am in love with Mr B...yes i know it's too soon but after all this kak, i know that i still want him.I am such a motherfucking sad case! how do i get myself into this situations???more importantly, how the fuck do i get out of it??? I need to do something...find something to do that will get me out of this!

this is driving me nuts!
I dont want to grow old like this!
I dont want to not have children!
I dont want to die not having ever experienced that unconditional love that one has for a child or a child for you!!!

Babies etc

Inno gave birth on Thursday to a boy...apparently very tall boy...55cm. I still have a lot mixed feelings about the birth of that baby...I guess i could handle guitly and Shirley's pregnancies because i dont really see them all that much but Inno will be in my face when ever i go home! I will die seeing and hearing a baby in that house...especially since it is not mine!

Well, anyway, another leo it is...on the 2nd of august we got a male addition to our family...yeah!

I think I have come down from this Mr B high I was on...he is perfect....too perfect...but now i cant help but think he might be too perfect...so perfect that i am seeing way too much into this than what i actually should be...I should just accept the fact that he is not mine, probably wont be for a while to come and meet him again with a new slate...or what's that saying?

I cant stop thinking about him, though...And i know it's way too soon to say that i am in love with him...Lord have mercry!!! i know he's feeling me as well but is this what i really want? this "you know what you are getting yourself into" mambo-jumbo? Ek weet darem nie...I dont hear from him for a day and i freak out because "maybe he is with the medem"...I mean, let's just talk about that for one split second!They still live together...and the whole thing is a bit dodgy for me, if you'll ask me...how do you sue for divorce after just 3 years? surely it's a thing that can be just sorted out? Then what do i do? No Sana, i think i will have to slowly say goodbye to this one as well...
Oh but it is so nice!!!!
I love the way he makes me feel!...when he's with me, that is...

oh, why does it have to be so difficult???

I think i found him........!

I'm back from Oranjemund...It's been an interesting past 3 weeks! Now let me remind you again that this blog is called "New Beginnings" ...and it's for a reason: I knew that this year weird things would be happening to me!!! On the day i arrived in Oranjemund, I was pretty stoned out of my mind, but i think that by the time in omd, the high had subsided a bit...Anyway, Phillip collected me at the airport and i asked for his car because i needed to sort out my sim card...i arrived at the shop and saw him...our eyes locked for abt 5 sec...and it was game over!!! he help me and i couldnt stop staring at him...I think he's collegue notice because she handed me over to him without even blinking...I left the shop and all i could think of is that i need to meet him...I asked around about him but nobody had seen him...So I left it at that and had quite a raucous night with the girls! It was hectic! Anyway, the following day i went to a braai with the girls but i was so tired! And then he walked in there with the boys! Sham! Again,eye contact and then it was game over! I kept on telling Sam to get out of my way because he was blocking my view! Hanakam, in the meantime, u-brother man is checking me out too! That night, i convinced Phillip that we need to go make a turn at the club! This very me who was complaining about exhaustion the whole night! Of course i knew that he was going there too...We met and started talking...he asked me to dance with him and i was holding my earings in my hands and he took it from me (or did i give them to him?Hmm)...anyway, he was in possesion of my ear rings by the time he left the club...The following day, i zulad for his number, some people wouldnt give it to me-a certain wambo who's name begins with and S and surname with an A-, but i managed to get hold of it and text him the sunday night...the texting started at about 6 pm on sunday and ended at about 1 am on Monday morning...the attraction was there but i was scared to meet him because when i thought about it, i actually orchestrated this whole thing since i had seen him at the shop on the Tuesday when i arrived in town...Now that i was about to "succeed" in my quest, i was ready to chicken out...but something told me to carry through with it so we decided to meet on the Thursday....Mind you, at this point in time, i had known this guy for all of FOUR days, if you take into consideration the days when i actually STARTED talking to this guy(saturuday) and here i was ready to meet him on the Thursday! Anyway, so we met...i cooked a little something-something (which Phillip and Jessica almost killed!)...i had some wine, he had some beer...and we spoke...forever...but it felt like the time was moving at its own, slow pace...he said he'd give me a back rub and...we spoke for a bit longer and he asked me something (Good God! I cant remember what he'd asked me)...i was trying to answer it but, i remember, looking down and then...he kissed me....Sana, everything melted...I was liquid everywhere...It was so nice! I cant remember the last time someone held me like that! Shit i dont know if anyone has ever held me like that! Kissed me like that...touched me like that! Oh my God! I was listening to him and all i could think is that "I want this boy!".And he cuddles and plays and he accepts my ankle, without bitching! ( I have this thing of that if i am sleeping with someone, my ankle need to be between their ankles-usually people bitch about it...but he didnt)...It was so nice! Except the part were we stop because i wanted to confirm his marital status...and he did...and there was a brief "what now" moment...and...We woke up the next day, and without even realising, i am parading my naked ass aroung him... and he his...we kissed good bye and all i could thinking about was this boy! It was game over ever since...we've been chatting every since and last weekend...wow...I WANT THIS BOY...I want everthing that he is...and i orchestrated all of this...double wow!!!Our goodbye on sunday was sad...i was so deur mekaar...i was worried about him and just missed him so damn much!but i knew i'd see him soon...or at least hear from him soon...his phone was off because he left his charger behind...so when his text came through yesterday morning...i was in seventh heaven...then i didnt hear from him last night and i was like...here we go again...and then he called me today....It was so nice...Bottom Line: I WANT THIS BOY....I dont know how...but...