I am lying in bed, drinking some red wine (a beautiful local Muratie Melck's Red, 2005 Merlot/Shiraz blend) and watching some movies...I am overwhelmed by loneliness...I just finished watching Jersey Girl and sunk in this depression...I dont want to be alone! I will be 30 in 4 days time and I am lonely...I am sort of emotionally blackmailing people to come here for my birthday! I have never been alone on my birthday and on this one, when i am suppose to be celebrating my a great number...I will be alone...lest we forget, i will be broke too...I am so miserable...
Got a sms from the Boy-Wonder on Thursday night...yes, the thing about Mr B is out and i was accused of being a home-wrecker...He asked me how i could stoop so low to be jumping a married man! It hit a nerve, somehow...I couldnt even respond to his text. i came home and had to think about what exactly about his text that bothered me the most: Is it the fact that now everyone in that stupid town knows about Mr B and I or the fact that this is becoming a pattern...especially at 30! I have been the other woman for as long as i can remember...Oh my God! I am the product of an affair that my mom and dad had! Yes, it might have been a passionate affair but the fact remains that my father was married!!! does this mean that i am re-living history? More specifically, my mom's history? If that is the case, does this mean that at this rate i will still be alone at 50, 20 years from now? I bloody hope not!!! At least my mom have my sister and i...I wonder if it's any coincidence that both my sister's father and mine were married? Gosh i need to see a shrink!
I am flirting with another married man (Mr Reunion dance)! he cant stop emailing me and is already fantasising about our reunion dance. I know i wont go there but somehow there is an excitement about it...although i feel lonely after wards...why cant these married men stay away from me!!!
I think i am in love with Mr B...yes i know it's too soon but after all this kak, i know that i still want him.I am such a motherfucking sad case! how do i get myself into this situations???more importantly, how the fuck do i get out of it??? I need to do something...find something to do that will get me out of this!
this is driving me nuts!
I dont want to grow old like this!
I dont want to not have children!
I dont want to die not having ever experienced that unconditional love that one has for a child or a child for you!!!
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